A Mutiny!  IN SPACE!
by Bleak December
Summary: A lighthearted alternate take on the horrible B-film "Space Mutiny" made famous by MST3k, where the author-insert character is sent by Observer to experience the movie
1. Chapter 1

**A Mutiny..._IN SPACE!_**

A lighthearted alternate take on the horrendous film "Space Mutiny" as featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000...only THIS time, the author is transported into the movie.

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_A/N: As a huge fan of the Space Mutiny episode of MST3k, I couldn't help but indulge my freakish desire to experience my favorite movies and books by writing this little story. I hope you'll, if not enjoy this adventurous romp, at least forgive me for wasting my time. All "rights" go to the creators and owners of "Space Mutiny", though by now I'd be surprised if they even wanted to have their names within 50 miles of that title! And credit also goes to MST3k, for without them, I would never have had the ...er, pleasure...of viewing this monstrosity. If you have not seen the movie, I highly encourage you to watch it, since you'll be laughing your head off the entire time. The entire episode is on YouTube here: www . You Tube _ .com/watch?v=LuxIYSOo-ZE&feature=related _(take out the spaces in YouTube)_

_And yes, I know this is about as run-o-the-mill as you can get on FF.N - you see author-inserts ALL THE TIME. But I also have to admit they're fun to read once in a while - plus I haven't found a single story on FF.N about this awful B-movie, so at least it's novel in that sense.  
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**Chapter 1**

Channel surfing had become a very discouraging activity, Leah mused as she lounged on the spongy Wal-Mart couch in her living room. It was a Saturday night, and the popcorn was nearly ready, yet she still couldn't find a decent show to settle in and watch. She'd never been a fan of "Friends," found "House" repetitive, and just couldn't bring herself to the point of desperation to watch an episode of "Ice Road Truckers." So she continued to flip, hoping she'd passed over something great during its commercial break.

The microwave dinged, and her one-bedroom Augusta apartment was filled with the smell of pre-buttered popcorn. With a sigh and a grunt, Leah heaved herself off the sofa, her knees popping like her grandmother's and not like the 20 year old she was. Then again, single living with a stressful job can add on the years to anyone...and that's why she insisted on having hot cocoa with her popcorn. She carefully made her way back to her spot with a mug of hot chocolate in one hand, and a large mixing bowl filled with popcorn in the other.

Back to channel flipping. Looking about the empty apartment, she decided she definitely needed a cat, damn the $300 deposit. Flip. Flip. Flip. Or maybe a small dog that didn't mind being left alone all day during the week. Flip. Flip. Sigh. Flip. Munch munch. Flip.

She was just about to resign herself to watching an old Turner Classic Movie, when she landed on Sy-Fy and a familiar theme song made her stop and smile. _"In the not-too-distant future, somewhere in time and space..." _Leah couldn't stop a huge grin from breaking out...her favorite nerdy show! _"Mike Nelson and his robot pals, are caught in a nasty place..." _Quite the guilty pleasure, one that her colleagues would never understand, but none the less exciting and funny. She'd seen practically every episode ever made multiple times, but couldn't help herself from laughing out loud at so many of the riffs.

_"Oh Mystery Science Theater...3000!"_

Leah tucked her still-sneakered feet under herself in an attempt to get cozy, forgetting the fact she was still clothed in jeans and a t-shirt (a soft and feminine tee, but a t-shirt nevertheless), focusing with rapt attention on the show. Which episode is it? Will she remember from the beginning skit with Mike and the bots, or will she have to wait until Pearl or Dr. Forester reveals the title? As soon as she saw Pearl, Observer, and Bobo in chains in an ancient Roman dungeon, she recalled with a girlish excitement (much like her 11-year old cousin and not like the 20 year old she was) one of her favorite episodes. Space Mutiny. If she'd seen every episode multiple times, she'd seen the Space Mutiny one twice as much, and she could recall most of the riffs from memory - simply thinking of them sent her into a storm of un-Leahlike giggles. The normally reserved, sarcastic woman was alone in her apartment on a weekend wearing Marvin the Martian socks...she felt she was safe to let loose.

Romans had confiscated Observer's brain, and he was a little out of sorts without it. He was trying to bring Mike down, but he'd ended up sending him a pillow full of goose feathers. Then he began insulting him, to "bring Mike down." Lastly, he he'd summoned an accountant named Mike Down. Poor fellow.

Leah figured she had time to go change into her pajamas and slippers before the movie started, so she set aside her bowl of popcorn and mug of hot chocolate, mustering the energy to haul herself out of the couch.

She had just turned to head into the bedroom, when she heard Observers voice calling out. "Wait! You there!'

The girl ignored the show, continuing her path to the bedroom.

"I'm talking to you!"

Still, she assumed it was just part of the program and paid it no heed.

_"LEAH!"_

Eyes wide, she spun around, staring at the TV. She couldn't believe what she saw. Observer, the pasty white albino brain guy, hanging from chains in the Roman dungeon, was looking _directly at her._ Slowly regaining her breath and composure, Leah waved her hand a little to test. "Uh," she began uncertainly, "You can see me?"

Observer rolled his eyes. "Of course I can see you! I'm talking to you, aren't I? I know who you are...I'm an Observer! I can talk to anyone I choose, and STOP waving your hand around like I'm blind!"

Her arm shot down next to her side in compliance.

"I'm sorry," she offered slowly, "It's just it's not every day I talk to a fictional character through my television."

Brain Guy sighed. "You humans," he muttered, "always thinking in such 4 dimensional terms." He shook himself out of his reverie and addressed her once more. "I'm going to implement a variation of Pearl's plan of movie torture. You seemed to be the best choice for a test subject. Suffice it to say, it's clear that simply being forced to watch these godawful films does little more than simply irritate both Mike and Joel. If, however, one were forced to actually _experience _these nauseating excuses for movies, that might be another matter."

Leah's face grew even more shocked. "Hey, I didn't hear Pearl say anything about - "

"She's thought it on many occasions, and I, being me, couldn't help but overhear her ideas. She seems quite put out with me at the moment, so I figured what better way to alleviate that anger than successfully trying out her idea? I shall send you into Space Mutiny, where you shall endure the entire movie alongside the characters."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Brain Guy," Leah said, backing up as slowly as she could, "What if I don't consent to this kidnappery and tortury? What if Pearl doesn't want you doing things behind her back like this? You're in a weakened state right now without your brain - how do you know you're thinking clearly? You could seriously come to regret this when Pearl finds out!"

His pasty white face contorted. "Pearl, Shmearl! I'm an Observer, aren't I? Can't I do this for my own curiosity? My people do these types of experiments all the time!"

"Yeah, I kinda doubt that," she said, still backing up.

"Get back here! You're familiar with the story. I know. You've seen it many times. I was thinking I'd drop you off right during the opening credits."

"But wait!" Leah cried. "Will I be an already-established character there? Will I have a role to play? Or are you just going to drop me in the middle of it, expecting them to treat me like anyone else? This is ridiculous!"

Observer cocked his head to the side in thought. "Haven't decided yet. You'll know when you get there!" He lowered his head to the camera, and the tell-tale sound effect of Observer's power began.

"Can I at least bring a book to read?" she asked as the apartment around her twisted into blackness and she felt herself tugged out of reality...


	2. Chapter 2

**A Mutiny..._IN SPACE!_**

A lighthearted alternate take on the horrendous film "Space Mutiny" as featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000...only THIS time, the author is transported into the movie.

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_A/N: My storytelling will not include backstory...I'll be assuming you know the movie. _

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**Chapter 2  
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The next thing she knew, she was standing in a large hanger. There were a few cheap-looking spaceships nearby, but the one that caught her attention was one nearest the hangerbay doors up in flames...it also happened to be the closest to her, not more than fifteen feet away. The heat from the fire was intense, and Leah stumbled sideways, having been caught off guard...she was rather new to traveling inter-dimensionally by the whim of an Observer up until ten minutes ago she'd thought was fictional.

An Observer, she might add, told her she'd be transported to the _very _beginning of the movie...not right next to an exploding spacecraft! She could hear screams of workers telling everyone to get out, running past her to the exit. Well, she didn't want to be blown up, that's for sure...at least, not this early into the movie.

She turned to run...and twisted her ankle. Leah staggered to stay upright, but she fell to the floor. _"What the HELL am I WEARING?"_ It appeared Observer had seen fit to replace her clothes with some skimpy excuse for a space costume! The kind the girls in the movie wore! Her legs, which had up until a minute ago been covered in comfortable boot-cut jeans, were now entirely exposed. She wore silver, stiletto-heeled boots that screamed disco, and an aesthetically-torturous teal leotard with silver trimmings, belt, and shoulders.

Maybe she wouldn't mind getting blown up after all.

But that possibility was ripped from her when she heard a familiar voice screaming "IT'S GONNA BLOOOOOW!" The buff David Ryder came running around the corner in his silver trash-bag uniform. Seeing Leah struggling to get up, he ran to her and hefted her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes as he continued to run away from the burning ship.

"Ow! Ugh! Hey!" she grunted with each painful smash of her stomach into his shoulder. But her cries were drowned out in the massive explosion behind them. As soon as they were a safe distance away, the beefy protagonist put her back on her feet.

"YOU OKAY?" he shouted in her face, his voice cracking a little.

"Uh, yeah," Leah winced a little at his volume. "I twisted my ankle back there. Thanks."

He was panting heavily, and nodded at her. Ryder said nothing more, but turned and walked off, presumably to the bridge to talk with the captain.

She looked down at herself in disgust. "OBSERVER!" she yelled, paying no heed to the passing engineers looking at her oddly.

A bodiless voice answered her. "Yes? How's it going so far? Would you mind filling out a questionnaire after this? I need feedback."

"Give me back my clothes!"

A pause. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's not possible. You see, you have to look the part, and jeans and a t-shirt would just make you stand out."

"I'll do more than just stand out in a second here if you don't GIVE ME MY CLOTHES BACK, YOU ALBINO BRAIN FREAK!"

The tone of the voice shifted into cool detachment. "Well! If that's your attitude!"

"No! No! No!" Leah cried. "I'm sorry! I take it back! Just please do something so I don't feel all naked and stupid! I'll fill out your little questionnaire form!"

The voice sighed. Next, she heard the wavering sound-effect of Brain Guy's powers and a small pop. When the girl looked down at herself, her eyes were met with a dark blue (but still shiny), form fitting catsuit with black, knee-high leather boots...but at least the heels were only an inch or two and blocked - no pointy or narrow stilettos for her to trip over. Overall, if Leah HAD to be dressed in some cheesy 80s space costume, this was the least painful.

"Thank you, Observer," she said sweetly.

She swore she heard a barely-audible grumble coming from nowhere, but was pulled from her thoughts by a random engineer who bumped shoulders with her as he passed by.

"Oh, excuse me, ma'am!" he apologized. "Oh! It's you! The commander has requested that you report to the bridge immediately, miss. They're quite worried about you!"

Leah frowned in confusion. "Uh, thanks," she offered. "Could you remind me how to get to the bridge from here?"

The nerdy looking fellow escorted her up a couple flights of stairs to a wide hallway. He pointed to the end of the hallway to large room filled with computer desks and frizzy-haired secretaries. "There you are, ma'am. Your father is looking forward to seeing you safe."

"Wait, my father?" but the engineer had already left her. Something wasn't sitting right with her. She clearly was a pre-established character, either one she knew or an original invented by Observer.

With trepidation, Leah entered the main bridge. Off to the side, she saw the Santa Claus commander and his Sting-look-alike captain talking to David Ryder. At her approach, the commander and his assistant looked up.

"Lea!" the bleach-blonde officer exclaimed with relief. "You had us all worried. Please, next time there's a fire, leave it to damage control," he rebuked fondly.

She did a double-take. "It's Leah, not Lea," she said uncertainly.

And that's when the penny dropped. Now she knew which character she was. She'd forgotten her name was so close to that permed-hair grandma-heroine: the love interest of Buff Drinklots, David Ryder...the "Spider Skank" "Space Bitch" Lea. Oh lordy! Surely Brain Guy didn't expect her to actually _play _her character! She'd rather bungee-jump naked into an active volcano than get it on with that brick of meat! Or shake her booty in the disco dance! Or even...egads, seduce the guard! Oh horror!

Sting looked at her oddly. "You okay?"

Commander Jensen cut him off with a small show of temper. "Okay? Next time, young lady, you stay out of the way!"

"Jeez, Dad," Leah rolled her eyes, trying to fit into the part of the spoiled 45-year old 21-year old she was supposed to portray. "At least I was trying to do my part, unlike Damage Control and that chunkhead pilot." She faked a surprised look when Commander Santa-Dad gave her a disapproving look and nodded to Ryder sitting off to the side.

The muscular bigshot gave her a once-over. "The professor never had a chance. There's nothing I could have done to - "

"I guess manually transporting him to safety before you were ejected didn't cross your steroid-popping -"

"LEA!" her 'father' shouted to cut her off. "Stop it!"

Ryder shot to his feet. "Listen, lady!"

"Doctor!" she corrected harshly

"Doctor lady!"

Despite herself, she was really enjoying shouting at him. This was turning out to be a better way to spend her Saturday. She remembered the riffs...she could make this film much more fun than it actually was just by saying what every viewer and MST3k character was thinking out loud! What was the worst that could happen? The movie becoming interesting?

Uh oh, he'd been ranting at her and she'd zoned out. "I don't have to justify my actions to you!" he yelled in her face. "Commander. Captain. Excuse me," he said tersely to the senior officers, "I have to go file my report!" He stormed off the bridge.

"It was nice meeting you, Lump Beefbroth!" she called after him.

"Lea." Jensen scolded fatherly.

"Lay-uh," Leah corrected with amusement.

Sting looked between his superior officer and the girl with a small smirk at the exchange. "I think that went well," he remarked dryly. He received a matching grin from Leah and a harsh frown from Commander Claus.

Santa shook his head. "I should probably go check in on our new guests, the Bellarians, and see if they've settled in."

The younger woman shrugged indifferently. She decided she'd seen enough of the bridge, anyway. Leah bid farewell to Sting, and sauntered off in search of something interesting to do. Wasn't there a cute crippled fellow somewhere on the ship? Oh right, she remembered, he's a villain. Why do all the hot guys have to be villains?

She had walked down countless hallways, when she rounded a corner and nearly bumped into the very man she'd thought of...MacPhearson, the ship's chief engineer. The officer looked a bit flustered as he hastened out of a conference room behind him, sweeping an errant black curl back with the rest of his slicked-back hair. He came to a stumbling halt on his cane before colliding with Leah. "You must excuse me," he said quietly, eyes narrowing.

"No, no," she replied cheerfully, "I should be more careful where I'm going. You're sweating, Mr. MacPhearson; is everything all right?"

He gave her an odd look. "You remember my name?"

"Of course! I always remember my father's most trusted people," Leah said with a wink...not an overtly sarcastic wink, but one that would definitely leave him wondering. "I see you've just come from a meeting with the easily-led wise council," she continued with a smirk, the grin widening as he jumped slightly. "I hope everything went...according to plan?" She kept her tone innocent.

The chief engineer could only nod, as he tried to inconspicuously hide his cane behind his leg, almost losing his balance while doing so. "Yes, well," he looked about nervously, "It was the rare meeting where something actually got done."

She snickered. "Well, I'm off to my garden. The recycling bins look great this time of year, and my crop of construction cones are coming along nicely."

"It would be nice to see real Earth flowers," he relaxed a little with a hesitant smile. "Until such a time, I'm glad you are content with your space plants."

Leah nodded. "It was nice seeing you again, MacPhearson. Hopefully we'll bump into each other again sometime - though perhaps not quite so literally again."

"A pleasure," he returned as they started to walk past one another.

"Oh, and MacPhearson," she called over her shoulder, causing him to stop mid-limp questioningly. "Be sure to wash off your cane _before _you leave the room next time. And for godsake don't accidentally rub it against your white uniform pant legs! But cold water will get the stain out." And this time her wink _was _blatantly overt.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Mutiny..._IN SPACE!_**

A lighthearted alternate take on the horrendous film "Space Mutiny" as featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000...only THIS time, the author (meaning me!) is transported into the movie.

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_A/N: My storytelling will not include backstory...I'll be assuming you know the movie. _

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**Chapter 3**

After wandering aimlessly about the Southern Sun, Leah found a large room that looked something like a nightclub. It was empty at the moment, with no colored lights flashing, but she remembered the horrible 80s dancing that would take place there shortly. She shuddered at the memory of the movie-Lea shaking her 40-year old booty in a miniskirt while swiveling her hips with a hoola-hoop. Dear god, she thought she might die if Observer forced her to do something like that.

Shaking her head, she continued on. Slowly making her way throughout the ship, occasionally asking a crew-member for directions, Leah finally found the arboretum filled with odd-looking plants. She assumed they were either fake, or were the type that didn't need photosynthesis to grow. Either way, they were pretty homely. The grass felt like AstroTurf when she crouched down to smooth her hands over it. The light coming from what appeared to be skylights was a nice touch. It added to the feel that they were in a warehouse or factory somewhere and not on a spaceship many light-years away from Earth. Aside from how dumb this entire situation was, Leah could definitely see why this place was the favorite of her character-counterpart. It was pleasantly warm with lots of the artificial sunlight.

She gave into temptation and sat down on the faux grass next to the big and orange, recycling-bin-looking plants. No sooner had she let her eyelids drift closed when she heard the telltale swish of the futuristic door slide open. Leah opened her eyes just in time to see the same Chief of Engineering hobbling toward her on his cane with a purposeful look in his eyes.

She started to struggle up, but MacPhearson waved his free hand at her. "No need to get up." He looked around cautiously before continuing. By now, he was standing right before her, leaning on his cane, making the girl feel uncomfortable for staring up at him from the ground. "I just have a few...questions. Regarding what you said earlier."

She wrapped an elbow around one of her knees casually, looking for all the world like she was nonchalant. "And what, pray tell," she acted cool, "could you want to know from me? I'm just the air-headed bimbo daughter of the commander," she said with a raised eyebrow.

The officer blinked. "You quite obviously are not," he countered after a split-second's hesitation. He shifted his weight a little, barely shaking his head to regroup his thoughts. "You must realize I have to be concerned with how much you know..." he trailed off, looking at her guardedly.

Leah looked down and began picking at the grass, ripping the fake blades from the ground and twirling around in her fingers. Flicking the uprooted leaves of grass away, she looked up and gave him a brilliant smile.

She was just about to give a smarmy reply, when the door whooshed open behind MacPhearson, and in walked David Ryder. The girl repressed a sigh.

With all the confidence of a Top Gun fighter pilot, the hotshot strolled on in like he owned the place, his silver space pants swishing slightly as he strode toward her. The Chief Engineer swiveled to accommodate the newcomer with a look of irritation.

"Hi!" He looked to the white-uniformed officer. "Hey, Gimpy!" MacPhearson bristled a little at the offensive nickname, but Ryder didn't seem to notice. "Nice place you got here," he remarked, looking back at Leah, still sitting on the ground.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Listen, I know how you feel."

"Oh?" she asked skeptically.

"Don't you think I know a good man died? A man I respected and loved?"

"No homo," the girl commented under her breath, earning a snort from the engineer.

Ryder turned to the man next to him. "Hey you stay out of this!"

The Chief engineer straightened his spine a little and rose an eyebrow. "I think you may simply lack a sense of humor," he replied.

"I've got a sense of humor." Following that statement, the pilot kicked the cane out from under MacPhearson, whose weight had been resting on it.

The officer tried to catch himself, but it had been so unexpected he couldn't recover his balance, and tumbled to the ground.

Leah was on her feet in an instant.

"See?" Ryder laughed, "I've got a great sense of humor!"

The young woman shot the muscled man glares as she tried to help the chief engineer up, who was brushing her efforts away from humiliation. "Why on earth would you do something like that?" she raged.

He crossed his arms. "I thought it was funny."

Without missing a beat, Leah rose up, pivoting around to face him and swiftly kicked him in the balls. David Ryder let out an ear-piercing, feminine shriek as he slumped to the ground in agony. As soon as the air left his lungs from his initial shriek, it was quickly followed with a fully-voiced scream. After that, too, had run out of breath, he followed it up with some hollering. "WHAT THE HELL WAS _THAT _FOR?" he howled as he rocked back and forth in the fetal position at her feet.

She shrugged. _"I_ thought it was funny."

The engineer smirked down at the bodybuilder, having struggled to his feet just as Leah made her strike, but said nothing.

A strangled voice made its way from the meat-head's constricted throat. "I don't need this!"

"Thanks for stopping by, Stump Speedchunk," the girl offered sweetly. "Remember to pick up the remains of your pride on the way out." She held out her hand to MacPhearson, shaking it with a wide grin once he hesitantly took it. "It was certainly nice seeing you again so soon. Give my regards to Kal when you see him, will you?" Not leaving him any time to respond, Leah turned and walked out of the arboretum.

Stopping the first crewmember she saw, Leah asked them to take her to her quarters. The first several men she stopped hadn't the slightest clue, but eventually she found a frizzy, dark-haired woman in a leotard and with what looked like a bulging man-package who worked on the bridge. She gave her helpful directions, and even inquired if Leah would be attending the party later that evening.

Leah shuddered internally, but smiled and nodded politely. Once she was on the correct floor of the ship, she bid farewell to the woman with an armadillo down her trousers and found her room. Naturally, it was right next to Commander Jensen's room. Can't be too far from daddy, after all. The door swept open at her arrival, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes at the Star Trek rip-off once more. God this movie was so unoriginal.

After rummaging through Lea's closet, Leah ultimately decided just to remain in the catsuit she was currently wearing...any other choice would be too humiliating. She did decide, however, to freshen up using the "futuristic" bathroom.

No books or television was to be found in the room, which was quite disappointing, since she had hoped to spend the evening sequestered away from the weirdos on board. Maybe even stay isolated here until the movie ends and she was returned to her apartment and mediocre life. The young woman sat on the bed. Perhaps she could just sleep it off. Laying down, she curled up on the semi-firm mattress and tried to get comfortable.

She must have laid there for an hour before she finally felt drowsy enough to succumb to slumber. And that was when Observer chose to interrupt her relaxation.

"This is quite unacceptable, you know." The disembodied voice sounded a little put out.

The only response he got was a groan from the girl on the bed. Leah twisted onto her back and flung an arm over her eyes.

"This type of behavior is not conducive for a proper scientific study! I cannot allow you to simply cloister yourself away for the duration of the film."

"But what else is there to do? This movie sucks!" she retorted in a whiny voice very much unlike her normally mature self.

An irritated sigh answered her. "Use your imagination! But it's necessary to stick to the storyline as much as possible so the movie can progress."

"And just what does that mean?" Leah quirked an eyebrow, lids still firmly shut.

The voice of the pale observer lowered a little, as though he knew what he was about to say would upset her. "Well unless I'm mistaken, which...I'm not," he coughed, "The next scene that involves a major plot point is in a few minutes."

"Oh?"

Again, the voice hesitated, avoiding as many eggshells as possible. "Yes, er...you remember the scene in the dance club, right?"

Hazel eyes shot open in horror, but seeing only the ceiling of the room. _"NO!" _she declared forcefully. "Absolutely not. I refuse to debase myself in such a manner! Nor will I flirt and jiggle my badonkadonk to that muscle-head!" She crossed her arms across her chest defiantly, still lying on her back on the bed.

"Please?"

"No!" she reiterated.

"I don't need your permission, you know," Observer remarked a little haughtily.

Leah glared. "Well, you're not going to get it. I'd have to be pretty drunk to go there on my own."

The young woman frowned up at the invisible presence of her captor, until she realized she'd just issued a challenge to the galaxy's only omniscient and omnipotent creature (excluding Q naturally, but Star Trek didn't count). Suddenly she regretted her choice of words. But it was too late now.

The bodiless voice spoke again, somewhat amused. "As you wish."

Before she could make a sound in protest, Leah heard the ringing sound of Observer's powers, and all went black.


End file.
